Letting Go of “Should”
A Meditation by Rev. Cameron Trimble
“Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”—Colossians 3:13
Many of us are walking through strained relationships, especially with those whose political, theological, or cultural beliefs feel not just different from ours, but fundamentally misaligned. We grieve the disconnection. We replay old conversations in our minds. We feel our hearts harden and our bodies brace. Underneath it all, we wonder how to live with such deep division, especially when it shows up in our own families, congregations, and neighborhoods.
The truth is, some of the pain we carry doesn’t come only from what’s happened between us; it comes from our inner narrative about who they should be.
They should care more.
They should be kinder.
They should see what’s so obvious to us.
They should know better.
These shoulds become quiet demands, and when those expectations aren’t met, we experience not just disappointment, but suffering. The pain deepens when those expectations live unspoken in our minds and hearts, quietly scripting every interaction and tightening the knot of disconnection.
But what if we could loosen that script, not to dismiss what matters, but to make space for healing?
What if the practice isn’t about forcing reconciliation or tolerating harm, but instead about naming our grief honestly, so we can stop projecting it onto others?
This is not easy work. But it’s sacred work. It begins by telling the truth to ourselves:
“I expected something different. I hoped you would be someone else. I need to mourn that before I can see you clearly.”
There’s an old teaching from the desert mothers and fathers:
A disciple once asked her teacher, “How do I move past resentment?” And the teacher replied, “Start by mourning who they’re not. Only then will you be free to love who they are.”
Maybe that’s where we begin, by naming the loss of the idealized version of someone we loved (or an idealized version of ourselves), by grieving what never was, by asking, with as much courage as we can muster:
What do I need to forgive in myself—and in others—in order to live with clarity, compassion, and peace?
Forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation. We don’t have to make peace with everything that’s happened. But we can begin to make peace with the pain we’re carrying.
Sometimes the barrier isn’t only between us and them; it’s between us and our unspoken grief.
We are in this together,
Cameron
Reflection Questions
What “should” am I still holding onto in a relationship that feels painful or distant?
What grief have I not yet named about who someone isn’t—and may never be?
What would it mean to forgive—not just them, but myself—for what I expected, needed, or missed?
A Prayer for the Day
A Prayer for Letting Go of the Shoulds
God of honesty and healing, You see the distance in our relationships, the pain that festers in silence, the tension that rises every time we hear their name. We confess that we have clung to our expectations— who they should be, what they should believe, how they should act. We confess that our grief has sometimes hardened into judgment. And our hopes, left unspoken, have become sources of sorrow. So help us release them— not to excuse harm, but to set ourselves free from the prison of the past. Help us grieve what never was. Help us forgive what we can. Help us find clarity, not just closure. And when we are ready, help us see others not through the lens of “should,” but through the lens of shared humanity— complex, beloved, imperfect. Amen.
Spiritual Practice
Releasing the “Should”
This week, choose one relationship that feels strained, whether it’s someone close to you or someone who lives mostly in your mind. Set aside five to ten minutes of quiet time to reflect on the expectations you’ve been carrying about them.
Take out a sheet of paper and write at the top:
“They should…”
Then, complete that sentence as honestly as you can—no filters, no guilt. Let the truth rise.
They should understand.
They should apologize.
They should be different than they are.
Write until you feel like you’ve said what you need to say. Then, gently reread your list. Notice how each expectation feels in your body: tightness, heaviness, anger, sadness, longing.
Now turn the paper over. Write:
“I release myself from needing them to be anything other than who they are today.”
You don’t have to agree with them. You don’t have to reenter relationship. But you are choosing, for your own peace, to stop wrestling with who they are not.
Fold the paper. Place it somewhere sacred, on your altar, in your Bible or journal, or, if you’re ready, release it completely by burning or burying it.
Each time the “should” returns, place your hand over your heart and say,
“I see the pain. I choose peace.”
This is not pretending. This is not forgetting. This is the spiritual courage of letting go.
Upcoming Events That Might Be of Interest…
November 18, 2025, 7pm ET - FREE - I will be speaking on a panel with Kosen Gregory Snyder and Imam Jamal Rahman on the essential role of friendship in building interfaith understanding and cooperation hosted by Third Act Faith. REGISTER HERE.
November 20 2025, 7pm ET - In Search of a New Story: Reimagining What Comes Next, A 4-Part Online Series with Dr. Matthew Fox, Cameron Trimble, Ilia Delio, Diana Butler Bass, Caroline Myss and Luther Smith. We are living through the unraveling of many old stories—about who we are, why we’re here, and how we are meant to live together on this Earth. As these inherited narratives collapse under the weight of climate crisis, social fragmentation, and spiritual disconnection, the question becomes clear: What story will guide us now? REGISTER HERE!
July 19-24, 2026 - Join me and amazing co-facilitator, Victoria, on retreat in the back-country of beautiful Wyoming. The Art of Wilding is a 5-Day Expedition for Women Leaders. We will spend the week reconnecting to nature, exploring our inner landscapes for change, and engage the wisdom of spiritual teachings. Click here to learn more.
I drafted a Strategic Framework for Congregations as we move into the coming years of increased authoritarianism around the world. If interested, you can download it here.
If you are a leader or member of a congregation looking for consulting support in visioning, planning, hiring or staffing, please consider Convergence.
I keep coming back to this meditation repeatedly. I had never seen how many of my judgements come from my grief surrounding wanting people and myself to be different; all the demands and expectations that create disappointment and frustration, and wanting to exert control. Thank you for this deep wisdom and the practices that help to lift this suffering and find more peace. There is so much more freedom in spiritual surrender.🙏🏼❣️
Who they are not - and perhaps never will be. That really does engender grief! Thank you for this today.